One of my best friends in the whole entire world asked me to be in her wedding. I gleefully said yes, because I wouldn’t miss that day for all the money in the world. Over the past three months, I’ve been having near anxiety attacks about trying to find a bridesmaid dress.
You see, I’m fat. I’ve struggled with my weight since the on-set of puberty which was roughly fifth grade. I freely admit that I’m fat because really it’s not something I can hide. I’m not proud of this fact nor do I go shouting it out from rooftops, but I’m aware of who and what I am. In fact, last year as a Halloween costume to a friend’s a party, I went as a new contestant on the Biggest Loser. (I thought it was hilarious. Some people didn’t get that I was making fun of myself.) Delusions of grandeur left the building years ago. I’m not pleasantly plump, big boned or overweight. I am fat and I have been for most of my life.
That’s not to say that I haven’t been on every diet plan known to man since I was 10 years old. In fact, I’ve been on Weight Watchers since March of 2010. I’ve lost about 80 pounds from eating right and exercising. (Yes, I know you need to exercise.) I’ve been on the right track that was until November 2011.
I’m been off track since my husband’s stay in the hospital in November. Trying to keep his diabetes under control has led me to eat everything in sight. (Not really, but you get my drift.) If you haven’t guessed it, I’m a control freak. It takes a strong person to admit their faults. As with my life, inevitably something goes wrong and unfortunately I’m an emotional eater. Somewhere in my psyche, I used food to deal with my feelings instead of actually confronting those feelings. (I guess knowing is half the battle.)
I’ve spent decades of my life comparing myself to other women and magazines, so the thought of being in a bridesmaid dress is agonizing. While I understand it’s not about me, I would like to not look like I’m wearing a colored potato sack. I don’t have high hopes. Everything is sleeveless, which is really funny since my underarms haven’t seen the light of day since 1986. Who wants to see arm waddle? Who wants to see arm waddle in their wedding photos?
Needless to say, I need to get back on the horse now with this wedding weighing (pun intended) on my mind. I’ll probably blog some about my challenges and triumphs. Looks like I’ll be working really hard on #15 and #4 (lose at least 20 pounds, spend 60 minutes a day exercising) on my really great To Do List.
I guess in the end, it’s not really about the wedding and how I look or don’t look, but how I feel about myself. I’d like to feel great, so I’m going to do something about it. How do you feel about you?