Smart Health Challenge Week 8: Jess Reed reflects on emotions

Last week, Smart Health Challenge winner Jess Reed confessed to cheating — she ate part of a crab pretzel at White Rose Bar and Grill. This week, Reed writes about how the challenge has affected her emotionally, not just physically.

May 21

I have been very uncomfortable all day today, knowing that my blog was published, and it is out there for everyone to see that I ate some of that damn crab pretzel last Saturday night. I have failed so many times while trying to lose weight that I feel like, if I give myself any room to make a mistake, the whole thing will crumble. As I believe I have mentioned before, I am a self-saboteur: I will mess up once and be so afraid that it means I will fail again, that I will give up. I am aware that this view is INSANE, but I do seem to fall into this trap time and time again. This time I have a secret weapon: accountability! I have knowingly entered a situation where I am accountable to all of you, Mindy, and all of my friends and family, every step of the way. At this point, I am not sure if I would still be going strong if I didn’t have this incredible amount of accountability. I have discovered that accountability is a fat girl’s best friend (or at least this fat girl).

May 22

Two things happened during my workouts today that put a smile on my face: blended was INTENSE and I made it through the whole class, and I could do some new poses in Yoga. I have written about my not-so-graceful adventures in yoga, while seated next to a woman in her 60s who is wrapped up like a pretzel. I am happy to report that now I can get myself into half a pretzel. Weigh-in day is tomorrow, and I am trying my best not to freak out. As you all know, I tend to get a little obsessed when this day rolls around, so I am trying to Jedi-mind control into thinking it isn’t a big deal! So far so good, but tomorrow morning should be interesting.

May 23

As predicted, I was a bit worried this morning, but when I weighed in I got a great result: I lost another 8 pounds, another 1 percent of my body fat, and about 4 more inches. At this rate, if I keep up my 4 pounds per week loss through the end of this challenge, I will have lost 83 pounds in five months! That seems like an insane number to me, but I am definitely excited about the prospect of being 83 pounds lighter.

I had quite an emotional breakdown today, and evidently this is all part of the process. I didn’t really consider what effect this journey would have on me mentally; I just considered the physical aspect. I didn’t get to be 300 pounds by loving myself, so I should have seen this coming. As I am sure you have figured out by now, I use humor to cover up my feelings when I am uncomfortable with a situation, and although it isn’t the only time I use humor, I really find it helpful. I try to set a goal for myself every week that has nothing to do with weight/inches loss, so this week I am going to make a goal to really look at my feelings and try and be more open in my blogs. This will be a good experiment; I wonder if I am just going to be boring?

May 24

I woke up this morning with a horrible stomach issue! I was in bed until noon, and this was not the day for this to happen. I did feel better as the day wore on, and I made it to all the activities I was committed to, which included a York Revolution game. One very important piece of advice for anyone who is trying to watch what they eat: You need to make a plan when you are going somewhere. Before we went to the game, my husband looked up what food stands they had there and I made a plan for what I was going to eat. I also made a list of foods I was NOT going to eat, because places like that are horrible for me! I happen to love all the food they serve there, and when you sit in your seat, you are just surrounded by people eating it. They just opened a deli, so I was able to get a turkey sandwich on whole wheat flat bread. Don’t get me wrong, it sucked, but when I got home I was glad I didn’t cheat. This past week I have been thinking about cheating A LOT; I am not sure why I think about it some weeks more than others. I miss the food I used to eat, I miss the way it tastes, and more importantly I miss the way it would ease my anxiety when I got stressed out. I am totally an emotional eater, and that crutch has been taken away. Mindy told me the other day that I need to start feeling things; well Mindy, I am feeling. Feelings and not eating are overrated I think!

May 25

Nothing much going on today. Did my program at the gym, and went to my weekly lunch date with some girlfriends (it is so important to have this time with my friends). I am sorry I am not inspired today; I have nothing for you.

May 26

Yet another uninspired day. Did Zumba in the morning, and spent the afternoon washing cars with my husband and kids. It was so nice having this weekend to just hang out and spend time with each other. Boring for you, but lovely for me.

May 27

Went to my parent’s apartment in Baltimore for lunch with my 97-year-old great aunt, who is visiting from Boston. It was so nice to see her, and of course I am blessed to have a mother who calls when she is planning her menu, to make sure the food is “Mindy approved.” Support like that is invaluable when you are taking on something as life altering is this.

There are also the people on the other side of the coin who believe that they are being “supportive,” but instead are just making me feel worse about myself. Obviously I know I am fat; I don’t need people telling me! I have had my share of people who have come up and said things like, “I am so glad you won this challenge; I have been wondering when you were going to do something because you are just so heavy.” Ummm OK, I am doing something now, so you don’t need to say anything. Mindy told me over the weekend I am the one who needs to stand up for myself and tell those people I am not listening to comments like that anymore. It is hard to stand up for yourself when someone comments about something that is one of your insecurities, but I will get there one day!

Read more:

Smart Health Challenge Week 7: Mindy Quesenberry chats about cheating

Smart Health Challenge Week 7: Jess Reed trains with Mindy (on video)

Smart Health Challenge Week 6: Mindy Quesenberry on feeling the need for exercise

Smart Health Challenge Week 6: Jess Reed finds sense of humor at ’80s prom

Smart Health Challenge Week 5: Jess Reed gets caught with cupcakes

Smart Health Challenge Week 5: Mindy Quesenberry gets real

Smart Health Challenge Week 4: Jess Reed feels the sting of exercise, rewards of weight loss

Smart Health Challenge Week 4: Mindy Quesenberry addresses Jess Reed’s struggles

Smart Health Challenge Week 3: Jess Reed shares her schedule

Smart Health Challenge Week 3: Mindy Quesenberry offers suggestions to stay motivated

Smart Health Challenge Week 2: Jess Reed starts working out, eats celery during Bunco night

Smart Health Challenge Week 2: Mindy Quesenberry weighs in

Smart Health Challenge Week 1: Jess Reed sets up her fitness and nutrition plan

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2 Responses

  1. May 30, 2012

    […] Smart Health Challenge Week 8: Jess Reed reflects on emotions […]

  2. June 4, 2012

    […] cancer story, asks for help Posted on June 4, 2012 by Jess Krout ShareTweetLast week, Jess Reed reflected on her emotions. This week, she talks more about past physical and mental battles, including her fight against […]

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